Friday, November 23, 2012

1-6-12 Pre-Pink

I, like most us, saw the PINK method on Dr. Phil. I watch him all the time and when the PINK method was highlighted on his show.....I thought it sounded like something I might want to try. I just tucked that away in my mind and went on about my business. I have a few friends that I keep up with on facebook that have recently had some weight loss success....I watch their posts and feel every emotion from being happy for them, to anger, to jealousy, to worthlessness, to guilt. 

I know I need to lose weight. I know I don't feel healthy. I know my son is embarrassed at how big his mom is. I know my husband just had heart surgery....and that I could be headed down that road if I don't do something about the weight. I KNOW all of these things, yet I haven't had the proper mindset to do anything about it. 

My daughter was married in November, I had to wear my "fat" dress, because it was the only thing that fit me. I hated how I looked in all the pictures. I ate my way through the holidays, thinking that I might actually be getting truly depressed about my situation. My son starts talking about new year's resolutions and nags me about exercising. 

I am ready to lose weight. I am ready to change my eating habits. I am ready to exercise and start feeling healthier. I am not ready to share that with everyone. I ordered the PINK method in secret, planned to do it in secret and "show them" that I am more than just a fat person. I started viewing the forum in secret, watching the pre-recorded live secret. Why in secret? Lots of reasons....but if they all boil down to one thing....fear of failure. I am afraid that I will not be successful, that I won't be able to handle the workouts or stick with the plan....and if I hadn't told anyone, then no one but me will have to know what a failure I am. I still don't want to announce it to the world.....but I told my husband....he is wonderful and would never judge me, even if I were to fail. My son, not so ready for him to know, because he is 16 and does judge me, lol. 

I saw a friend of mine (who is losing weight with crossfit) say that she never plans on sitting on the couch, watching the biggest loser.....instead she is becoming her own biggest loser. I want that. I watch those people, I watch my friend, my sister, my cousin....who have all had dramatic weight loss and I want to be like them. What is stopping me? Me. That's it, just me.....I am the only one who can change it. I am ready for that change....I am ready to not be on the couch watching other people lose weight while I eat until I am miserable. 

I decided to order the program. What I like about it is that it is especially for women. Sure, the men in my life will eat healthier by default, since I cook for them....but this is something that is just for me. Yesterday I received the program. It is all I have been thinking about, that and failure...what if I fail....that haunts me....but not as much as what if I don't try. 

I also ordered the nuwave oven, blenders, hemp protein, stevia....not all of it has arrived I am waiting to start....wanting all of my ducks in a row to help me be successful. I still need to buy a new scale, a measuring tape...and figure out how to take horrifc pictures of my disturbingly fat body when no one else is home, lol. 

Maybe by next week I will be prepared enough to begin. Until then, I am going to read my book, particpate in the forums, and the facebook groups and dream about being healthy.

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